So, what do you wanna work on today?
*Life. Everything that is going on in the country right now.
Sitting in the middle of the uncertainty is torturous right now.*
Well, you've always had a problem with uncertainty and anything you can't get the facts around, right? How is this any different, Sara?
*It's bigger. Which makes the consequences and choices bigger proportionately. Too big some times for me to even bring it forward to think rationally.*
That's okay. That's normal. Everybody does this when they are overwhelmed or afraid.
*I know. I'm okay when I can look at it logically. But I am so precarious when it comes to stress. And so many people are afraid and it feels like fear-measles...they're just spreading it. STAY THE FUCK HOME WITH THE FEAR. Come out when you are willing to discuss treatment options and ways to stop the outbreak.*
It's good that you are recognizing when your fear has taken over and can step back. But, not everyone can, Sara. You know that.
*I DO know that. And I don't fault them. I fault the fear salesmen. And myself for not being able to help. For not knowing how to help when my efforts have failed for so long. And I feel unheard.*
Ahhhhh. And what does that bring up for you? Because I know this has been a recurring issue in your life, feeling as if your words aren't valid and nobody really listens or wants to understand.
*It is hard to keep that distance. Between who I used to be and who I try to be today. But it's magnified here. My biggest fear is that a lot of people and some friends are "stuck in the fear" right now. And I can't connect. And as the missed connections pile up, I begin to be pushed back across the line into "otherness". And I know that pain intimately and try to never "other" others. So it hurts, personally and it scares me that I see this pattern emerging where perceived teams or tribes are getting smaller and smaller until we begin to lose trust and hope.
Fear and a feeling of having right on your side can make a person do truly horrible things. An ex-member of The Weather Underground said something like that about his own actions during his involvement. *
That's a lot. Are you taking care of yourself? Have you found that thing you can do to be and feel productive so you don't get lost in the fear and hide at home? You have been functioning really well these past few years.
*Honestly, it is harder to do some things. I want to stay inside unless necessary. I know it isn't healthy. I haven't been able to work as much as I should and want to be. And I feel irritable and exhausted with the kids. I am trying to focus on one on one time with them more though. And I have been looking for those concrete ways to help others. Because it *does* help.*
You can't do much more than you are doing, Sara. I know you want to help others through that fear. Because you know how it feels to get stuck in that place and what it can do to you. Just keep reminding them that you are here if they need it and you understand. But you have to take care of yourself, too. It sounds like you are getting pulled into it at times and you can't afford that right now.
So I need you to monitor that. And step away before your get overwhelmed.
You're doing great though. You really are. And you know how much I love hearing your perspective. I'm sure others feel the same way.
The boys doing alright?
*yes. They're doing pretty great. Growing up too fast*
I hear that. Take care of yourself and call if you need anything.
So, umm. That's embarrassing.
But if you need to talk about anything, I'm here.